Factor of 10........

Today is 1.10.2012. Nothing special about this date and in fact was not even knowing that it is the date today, till I had to, for sake of record keeping in my note book. Somethings just strike, I mean literally strike and this 10 in the date struck me when I looked on the clock hanging on the wall after I turned around to seek for it. And this was the first time I had a "feeling" that new year has arrived. How lazy? It is not that I didn't know that it is 2012 but perhaps I hadn't realized its real significance and felt its real meaning. So it is the tenth day of the year, first step in its growth and ultimate death, first step in the sense that the count of the days has moved from single to double digits. But I was not struck by emotion or regret about 2012 going the same way as have been more that three decades of time that my life has outlasted, but was struck by 10 days having gone by without apparently changing anything in me. There might have been changes at the cellular and sub-cellular level but not at the level one could really see. But do we really monitor frequently the apparent biological changes occurring in us? No, otherwise we would be daily looking at our growing nails or the increasing length of our hair or changing texture of our skin to mention a few. Can't say same with certainty about the opposite gender because these are three vitals most of them take due care of. Anyways resuming, so what was the parameter I was actually trying to evaluate. Professional progress!


Evaluation of professional advancement after 10 days; what high standards, what frequency? High standards of evaluation, darn it, can't be set in this profession where every advancement, every step, every success happens in infinitesimally miniscule increments. So what was I trying to evaluate? I was trying to figure out if I was doing what exactly was expected according to long term plans or something that would at least bring me near to what I had planned for this day or the same that I had been doing ten days back. Now does this qualify to be an evaluation, an appraisal? Don't want to understand at this moment or go into these technicalities because the outcome of 'evaluation' was a too powerful storm to let me think about something else. Wait a moment this storm was not something new or a first one; some were weathered, some passed unnoticed, some were talked about, some were whined about, but very few strike like this one, get long and elaborate, but similar meaning responses.


I don't know what prompted me to scale-up the period for which I was doing the evaluation straightway up for a very macro-level of 10 years, perhaps it was the time when I started taking baby steps or crawl or metamorphose or gestate to be in this career, but beginning of a sort had been made. I was working for final semester of my Master's Program at one of the premier research institutes in India. The most important lesson I learnt there was it is not places that matter but it is what we do is really important. Nevertheless, it was my first real 'exposure' to the world of research! Towards the end of the same year I 'qualified for the award of Junior Research Fellowship'; a perceived and presumed ticket to a place of work of choice and also freedom from financial dependence (wouldn't exactly term it financial independence). And in the first half of the following year I exactly landed at a place I had wanted to be, had dreamt of while reading my text books. The geography or nomenclature of this place was not of importance but it was at this place I believed I would work with I wanted to. Applying lessons from my first exposure!


So it was with zeal, enthusiasm, passion, energy, synergy between getting love and living with love and every possible positivity that I made the actual beginning. The journey till now has not been linearly upward or downward but a mix of things; joyful, sorrowful, eventful, momentous, intimidating, encouraging, depressing, heart-breaking, elevating, alleviating and what not, in short everything. An eternal companion have been those innumerable and endless conversations over countless cups of tea and coffee discussing, planning, strategizing, analyzing, lamenting, fun-making the failures, being sarcastic about ourselves, being sarcastic about failures and re-planning. There is one everlasting memory of being 'almost there'. Ah almost there! Sadly it is not a sprint, neither a marathon but something were we chase unseen, unheard, unknown and unthought of (at least we believe that time) things. We either have it or don't have it. It is all or none kind of thing. Having it wouldn't have meant something life changing but it would have definitely meant something, something different, something substantial, above all something I had yearned to do. Anyways, these are experiences and memories, the real issue here was evaluation.


What is a better, cleaner and clearer way of making estimations/evaluations? Numbers! Numbers belong to math, so called science of God, so have a value while evaluating. Which numbers to use? Impact factor! Always creates interest when not looking for own and mostly creates panic and anxiety when looking for self. I am 'almost there' at having a collective impact factor of 10 from the first authored papers! Not that I believe first authored papers exclusively belong to first author, perhaps they have a more sense of belonging or a more sense of being one's own.10 in 10 years of journey????? I have been recently looking for a new postdoc position; looking into the biographies of different scientists has been interesting, knowledgeable, eye-opening and enlightening. A line in one of such reads read "the best indicator of the success is the ratio of the number of citations to resulting publications to the amount of grant money". Many researchers especially ones working with and believing in numbers make their ways of arriving at these numbers very rigorous by adding constraints in their evaluating methodologies. I kept wondering if the above mentioned indicator is constrained by multiplying the grant money by the ever depreciating Zimbabwean currency? With such a wide gap in ways of evaluating and perhaps in ways of evaluating and doing also and no option of being 'almost there', the automatic question that one faces is what to do? And the prompt reply comes continue with the perpetual, perennial and persistent TROUBLESHOOT!


P.S: I started writing this on 10th of January and today is 13th, but isn't it what we are apt at? Missing deadlines. Cheers!

An everyday Dawn and a never ending Dusk

Nature offers countless things to revel in. I talk of the things we can relish aesthetically or appreciate the beauty of their occurrence. Sunrises, sunsets, full moons, crescents, scenic beauties, flowing rivers, sea waves, glaciers, hot springs, rainfall and snowfall, the sounds that snowfall generates, the blizzards, the snow storms, greenfields, scenes inside the world of a nest, making of a nest, view of a suckling calf, animals moving in herds and even we take pleasure in watching a lion or other beast pouncing on its prey (Animal Planet fans). In short the more we try to view nature keenly more things we will discover to appreciate and think about. Some nature lovers cross continents, go into unexplored waters and lands to discover the beauty of nature. My obsessive fascination has been with the arrival of dawn and that comes at the 'cheap' cost of sleep.

For me this arrival signifies many things, the important of which is the triumph of white (justice) over darkness. Same can be presumably argued about dusk that darkness over powers light. But we human beings as well as other living beings try to defeat that apparent victory of darkness. Birds move into their nests and animals move into their burrows, dens or sheds. And we human beings try to win over this darkness by creating artificial light and minimize the impact of this darkness at least for a certain period of time daily. We (un)welcome dusk by switching on the lights. On the other hand dawn penetrates into our lives unknowingly (except for few of us who sleep late or wake up early) and when we see it has come we make a new beginning at the minimum begin a new day.

During every dawn I try to discover something new so I always look into the sky, look around searching for reasons to concrete my love with it. Best moments in love lives always come as surprises and same happened today morning. My eyes captured the best scenes of the dawn till now. But believe me that will always count as one among the best.I was driving so wasn't much focused on the onset of the morning presuming it to be the one I had explored enough. But real real beauty danced before my eyes. All of a sudden the headlights of my car became irrelevant and in a fraction of second I could see things at a long distance that were till then invisible. It would have been that last ray of sunlight that made whole of it effective. Perhaps the proverbial weakest link of the chain that brings the complete strength. Simply I was left awe struck. And it filled me with some different energy and my day took a different turn as if dawn today had brought something different for me.

With the additional unadulterated energy from this special breakfast I reached my workplace literally dancing. Had to go from my building to adjoining building through an over bridge, called as 'tunnel' may be because it is covered and air-conditioned, but is not a tunnel according to engineering parlance. As soon I entered this 'tunnel' my eyes fell on a girl who was walking with the help of walking aids just in front of me. This walking aid seemed unusual to me because it had two wheels towards the front which usually are not in the aids for those who need support for physical disability. So by the time I was walking beside and then in front of her I realized that this aid was for visual disability. Usually in this part of the world for convenience of a certain section of population all the entrances have electrically run doors that remain open for a long time so one doesn't have to push or hold the door while crossing it. Usually I also wouldn't have held the door for this girl if we were at a long distance. But we were walking so close that it would have been completely unethical not to hold the door for her.So both of us reached the other end of the tunnel rather entered that target building simultaneously.

I didn't see her having a guide dog along with which is a usual thing in such cases.I slowed down my movements in case she needed some help.And she asked for the directions towards the elevator.Once I guided her up to elevator she said "now things 'look' familiar to me". With these words something struck me.I never recognized my familiarity with these places or never felt the need to focus on these buildings, the location of the elevator or the hall way leading to the elevator.So these words were something that I should say shook me and were enough to take me into a different state. My dancing turned into gentle steps and all of a sudden I felt all energy of that unadulterated breakfast vanishing out of me.While returning back through that tunnel I looked outside, thought of that girl and tried closing my eyes for a moment (my heart is again racing remembering how I felt that time). I couldn't dare to!A strange fear had gripped me what if when I open my eyes I won't see the sunlight.I tried again and my eyelids refused to cooperate.No my mind, my heart, my feelings, my soul all were in full coordination and eyelids became a way for their expression.There I realized some live in a never ending dusk and it is life to them.

P.S: The more we have the more we want. And in that pursuit we ignore small things that we have been blessed with. Every tiny thing in our life is equally important and we should always recognize and appreciate them.

http://blog.thekashmirwalla.com/2011/09/in-that-pursuit-we-ignore-small-things/

Teacher's day ramblings

This is the first time I will be writing rather jotting down my ramblings on teacher's day. Incidentally Teacher's Day is coinciding with Labor Day (celebrated on first Monday of September) in the part of the globe I live in so for me it has become a day of celebration of major contributors to our society. First of all I would like to remember all my teachers and thank (in reality thank will be too little a word) them for having played a part in shaping my life.With all humbleness I wish best to you all from the core of my heart.

Whenever we converse about teachers, two teachers come to my mind rather are always in the background of my mind. One teacher, Professor M.K.Raina has been directly associated with my academic life although for a short span but had a profound effect on it. The second teacher who had a major effect on my life was my mother. But here I won't talk about that effect on me but about how she took her profession rather responsibility of being a teacher.

My mother was teacher by profession but to her it was more than a professional responsibility. She had not been able to study beyond her 12th standard but in those times that was good enough qualification for one to be a teacher. My understanding of her sense of responsibility crystallized after I entered my 8th standard. Till then we, me and my brother had only seen the strictness of her professional responsibilities in the form that we always had to unlock the door of our house after returning from school and then take care of ourselves. We had devised a way to keep the keys to different entrances at different places. Then we would have to feed ourselves and this would be a routine on most of the days. Mom would usually arrive once we would be usually partly done with our supper. So that always made us feel that our mom is a disciplinarian who strictly follows the time schedules that school has set for them. That was also visible in the mornings which involved preparing breakfast and arranging lunch for four of us, cleaning things, attending kitchen-garden (which was like a passion for her) and in all this ensuring that she doesn't miss to reach school in time. Truly speaking at times it was annoying when you would see her not walking but virtually skating inside our house.

My mom in addition to teaching other subjects to students of relatively lower standards was delegated the responsibility of teaching mathematics to 7th standard students. There had been addition of new concepts in the revised syllabus and she hadn't much training of these new chapters. Now that was kind of difficult but she had taken the responsibility so she had to find a way to deal with it. Incidentally I was good at mathematics and have been usually considered a calm and patient type of guy (my wife and my brother have different thoughts), essentially good traits to teach someone. So my mom decided that I would be her mathematics 'teacher'. I don't know how many teachers actually do it. Technically it was me who was teaching her but in reality it was me who was getting the most important lesson of my life that when it comes to learning, difference of any sort between a teacher and a learner shouldn't matter.

Winters in Kashmir mean home schooling for most of the kids. Now the tuition system has crept rather taken roots in the Kashmiri education system. During our days it mainly meant seeking help from a proficient cousin, an uncle, a family friend or group studies. So we had a regularized everyday schedule for winter days. In that schedule my mom managed to fix time for her 'classes' but only after I would finish all my tasks. A battle between a mother's responsibility and between being a teacher and she managed to win both. So how would the teaching proceed? I would teach her few fundamentals and she would do few exercises when I was around. Then like an over zealous student she would take 'home-work' and set me free to do whatever I wanted. She will then do that h/w and discuss it with me. It might seem somewhat funny that she had to learn concepts of 7th standard but she didn't pretend she knew things and didn't deceive her students. And that is what always makes me think about her commitment towards her responsibility. Rest In Peace mummy as I used to call you rather still call you and I am sure many of your students will be wishing same for you whether it be a Teacher's day or a Student's Day or any other day.

Enough ranting about my mother. While I was in bed yester-night the Facebook status updates of most of my back home friends about Teachers Day flashed before me. Whenever I have to point out one teacher who somehow had an impact on me Prof.M.K.Raina comes to my mind. He won't be even remembering me because our association was for a very short duration and there aren't good reasons for him to remember me. Because I didn't fulfill the reasons for which he actually taught me. He would teach us Zoology in the Pre-Medical coaching classes in Sachdeva New P.T college Jammu. Till that time biology was like something I wouldn't get along with. Not that I would be understanding or enjoying other subjects very much but there was a sort of barrier between me and biology. So biology was either too tough to understand or there were some other reasons to it.

I still remember Raina sir's face, his greying moustache, his strict and tough looking face, had his own sense of humour but would himself never laugh not even smile, the way he would approach the black board or turn to address the students, in short he had an aura around himself. But these are not the things I actually remember him for. They have perhaps formed a part of the baggage of memory associated with him. It is not even the way he taught in the class that would have been part of my memory but what his teaching brought out from me makes him memorable for me. He taught to an extent that you had to tantalize your brain. One couldn't shut after that. So began our interactions and those weren't good for those classes because PMT classes are so time bound and have to be result oriented that one can't afford to diversify much. So our 'conversations' would spill beyond class hours but he wouldn't encourage me. Not that he did not like them but he would always suggest me that they were beyond the scope of his classes there and were not required. But as I said one couldn't shut oneself and he would always try to respond and satisfy your queries but in a quite dismissing or displeasing way. Therefore, gradually I learnt to curb my instincts and he could feel it but never encouraged me to speak.


One particular incident occurred after which he 'cursed' me or wished something different for me and that is what I am doing right now (I am not talking of writing this blog but what I actually do). He was teaching us 'actin-myosin interactions' during muscle contraction and he was explaining it with such intensity that one could have imaginary visuals of these molecules in action. He had a feel of my pulse and I still remember when he turned towards us and his eyes seeking me and asking in his coarse voice "Bol kya bolna hai (Speak what do you want to)". I always think I asked the most stupid thing. My question was 'Actin and Myosin are two chemical entities how could they behave like a joint and hinge?' And I still remember that scene as if it has happened yesterday? He asked me to stand up, which I did and after that he was like on rampage. He roared that I was not meant to study medicine and best thing for me will be to conduct research to see for myself how things worked. I still remember those animations when he said "Ek mota sa cheshma laga hoga (his animation was while speaking this), lab mein pada rahay gaa aur tab samajh mein aayay gee tairay (You will get thick lens spectacles, will work for long hours in laboratory and then get to understand)". I felt so upset that I was almost in tears because those animations and other stuff were very hard to understand and absorb at least at that time. I firmly resolved that I will never again talk in the class.


But life always has different plans and executes them in its own way. Few days after this incident he offered me a ride while we were leaving from the institute. There he spoke his mind, I suppose heart and tried to bring clarity in my thinking. He made me realize why I was in his classes, what my parents wanted me to do and what I wanted to do? He explained to me why my this way of thinking was diagonally opposite to those priorities. He suggested me that if these things really interested me I should think of going for research and not join medicine. I remember that conversation and never took it seriously and tried my best to get into medicine. Countless attempts, but could never make it! And made many attempts at changing the direction of my profession/career but all of them ended as failures.


So what do I now? The same things that Raina Sir 'cursed' me to do. And importantly I love to do it. Although this profession is besotted with its own failings but being a part of it gives a satisfaction towards the end. The successes here are incremental rather infinitesimally incremental but those successes give you a happiness of life time.


P.S: Two entirely unrelated anecdotes but somehow they have common roots in philosophy of teaching. Teachers must always try their best to provide best to the learners, try to enthuse them, try to help them in discovering themselves, try to direct them, try to re-orient them and try to feel them and be there with them when a student needs them the most. A teacher should be able to transcend the boundaries of a classroom.